Lucyisms

Lucy and her brother were having a conversation about who was a pickier eater. Lucy is the hands-down clear winner here, but God love her, she was trying to convince us to the contrary with her assertions of being open-minded in all things food. Uh huh.

Lucy: I will eat, or try to eat, or at least maybe taste anything. Unless it looks gross, smells bad, or something’s on it that I just don’t like. Or, if it’s not edible.

Well, that certainly leaves her options open, doesn’t it. I have visions of Christmas Cow all over again as I think about what to make for dinner.

This lovely Wednesday morning was not a lot different than most mornings. Let’s just say Lucy has a love-hate relationship with school.

Mom: Time to get up, get dressed.

Lucy: (Moaning/whining) Whyyyyyyyy?

Mom: We need to leave for school in 45 minutes. You still need to eat breakfast and brush your hair.

Lucy: But I am sick.

Mom: Being sick of school does not count as an excused absence, get up.

Lucy: But, but, but I am dying, for sure I could start bleeding any minute, and there is a strong possibility I could catch on fire.

Mom: Uh, no you’re not, I have Band-Aids, and not likely. Get up. We are leaving the house in whatever you have on in 30 minutes. Tick tock.

Lucy: Ok, but when the nurse calls you later to tell you about my spontaneous combustion, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.

As Lucy approaches double digits, it’s only natural that boys are a popular topic. But not like you might think. God help the male that falls in love with my daughter. The following exchange was a few weeks ago.

Lucy: Why are boys SO ANNOYING!

Mom: What happened now?

Lucy: You are not going to believe who likes me.

Mom: Who?

Lucy: John (ok, you have to know I am changing his name here for protection purposes). I mean, seriously, what is he thinking?

Mom: What is wrong with John, you guys have been friends for a long time, he’s very nice.

Lucy: NO! He is annoying, irritating, and, well, A BOY!

Mom: Uh huh. Well, what is so annoying about him?

Lucy: His face. His existence. That he LIKES likes me, not just, “hey wanna play soccer at lunch” likes me, but more like, “hey if I tried to kiss you, would you let me” likes me. GROSS! He should know better. Seriously, seriously, seriously, I am like a whole foot taller than he is. It is just not gonna happen! Ugh!

Mom: Not all of them are annoying. (Ok, really, trying to help the Y-chromo-impaired here with a shout out, but apparently I lacked a certain, J’ne se qua — conviction?)

Lucy: Name one that isn’t.

Mom: (Doh!) Well, your brother is sweet to you sometimes.

Lucy: No! Only when he WANTS something. Like, “Lucy, I’ll help you with your homework if you take my laundry downstairs.” (worth noting that this was delivered in a mocking falsetto).  And besides, he’s gross. He thinks making farting noises is funny.

Mom: Well, someday you will change your mind about boys. In the meantime, be nice to your brother, and be nice to John.

Lucy: Whoa, wait a minute. Why do I have to be nice to John? I do NOT, I repeat, I do NOT LIKE like him. I might not even like him at all. If I even just like him, then he will just keep LIKE liking me, and that is a real problem.

Mom: Well, you have known him for a long time, it’s the right thing to do, just be kind. He is going to be in your life for a while, he’s in your class, you are friends with his sister, Evan is friends with his brother, I am friends with his mom…

Lucy: (cuts me off abruptly) Well then maybe you should call (his mom) and have a conversation so that SHE can set John straight about this whole LIKE liking. As long as he LIKE likes me, I am not going over to his house and I am NOT going to play soccer with him at lunch. So, yah, that’s the perfect plan, you talk to his mom and fix it. Thanks mom. (she skips off upstairs giggling).

Yep, puberty with this one is gonna be GREAT!

I regularly dance and drive. I prefer to do it when the kids have friends in the car for maximum embarrass points.

Lucy: Mom, can’t you get a ticket for that?

Mom: For what?

Lucy: I don’t think you should be dancing and driving, I think it’s illegal.

Mom: No, it’s not.

Lucy: Well, it should be. I mean, seriously mom, people can see you.

A little backstory necessary here to paint the whole picture, so to speak. Lucy has an older brother. He NEVER wrote in his books, drew on himself, or colored with pencil/crayons/markers on walls (or the cat, but that’s another post). So, I would smugly listen to other parents talk about such infractions committed by their little angels and think, “Wow, dodged that bullet.”

And then I had Lucy.

Lucy started coloring on the walls in her room at an early age (like when she could hold a writing element). Her favorite spot was below the window in her room — doodles in pencil. When I discovered it, I told her not to do it again (as I quickly snapped a picture when she wasn’t looking and then cleaned it up). Imagine my surprise when a few days later I found a Sharpie masterpiece on the opposite wall under her light switch. When I asked about this and why she did it after I had specifically told her not to, she replied,”But mommy, you told me not to draw with pencil on that wall over there anymore. And I didn’t. I used Sharpie on this wall.” Note to self — be more general and sweeping when admonishing miss Luliboo.

Eventually Lucy moved onto body art with Sharpie (usually in as many colors as possible). So today, when I noticed the peace sign, heart, and OMG on the bottom of her right foot, I was not the least bit surprised. In fact, it seemed rather tame. Uh huh.

Mom: Nice drawing on your foot.

Lucy: Oh, there’s more. (She holds up her left foot to reveal “Lucy was here” and more illustrations.

Mom: You are going to come home some day fully tatted out, aren’t you?

Lucy: Probably not. Sharpie is much better, and I can change things out when I get tired of them. You know, leave my options open. Some days I feel like a big thing on my leg, and some days I just need a little peace sign on my hand. And it would be too weird if the colors didn’t match what I was wearing. (Lucy bounces upstairs to no doubt continue the artwork by coloring it in.)

Mom: (HUGE internal sigh of relief — jinxed myself for sure)

About 10 minutes pass, Lucy comes back downstairs, plops down next to me.

Lucy: Mom, you know how I asked to get my ears pierced for my 10th birthday?

Mom: Uh huh (deep breath, wait for it…)

Lucy: Well, maybe I do want a tattoo.

Mom: Oh really? And what do you have in  mind?

Lucy: Well, something small, definitely girly, not manly. Maybe a little dove.

Mom: And where would you put this little girly dove?

Lucy: Good question. Probably need to figure that out first.

Mom: Excellent plan. Better hold off for now.

Lucy: Yeah. Need to decide what color too. (She starts to walk back upstairs, stops, turns around…) Mom, can you get glitter in a tattoo?

At least she hasn’t asked if she can bedazzle the tattoo. Yet.

All three of us were slammed by a wicked flu that lasted for about a week. Fevers, chills, and extreme exhaustion kept us all from being able to get outside and scoop the yard after Rudy during that time. So, of course, on the mend, the kids set out with all due enthusiasm for the task. They wrote a song.

Evan: This is a gag, that is a spit.

Lucy: We are rapping while we clean up…

Evan: Shhh…

Lucy: IT!

I am so proud (sigh).

Not pleased with having to spend the day at her brother’s lacrosse tournament, Lucy has brought along her friend Katie for the day. It was an amusing morning of conversations interspersed between LAX games.

Entering the high school, the girls start to discuss the merits of cheerleading.

Katie: When we go to high school, we are definitely not going to be cheerleaders.

Lucy: Right.

Mom: Why not?

Lucy: Because they wear really short skirts, sing stupid songs, and I would definitely have to shave my armpit hair because their arms are always up like when they are spelling out YMCA or something. Plus, have you ever noticed that they always show off their underwear, and it’s not even cute underwear.

Mom: But you and Katie were junior Maverick cheerleaders in kindergarten for LCC. You liked it then.

Lucy: That was different. We were really cute just standing there in the uniforms and running around. And we did not have armpit hair. Plus, I am pretty sure I was wearing polka dot underwear. I know for sure it was not boring white.

Walking onto the fields, Lucy and Katie spot the empty long jump sand pits. They squeal with joy and run for them. Unfortunately, we need to leave while Evan practices.

Mom: Let’s go girls, we ‘ll be back in an hour.

Lucy: But this sand is so cool and shiny and glittery. We need to stay here.

Mom: We’ll be back.

Lucy: But what if a bunch of stinky boys are here when we get back?

Mom: Then you’ll have to share it with them. Maybe make some new friends.

Lucy: What?!? Is it Crazy Idea Day, and nobody told me? Seriously mom, think about it. They’ll stink the glitter right off of it. Sheesh!

Out on the field, one of the boys takes a stick in an unfortunate area and goes down. The game pauses.

Lucy: Looks like he got nailed in the shnibbiddydoo.

Kid on the sideline: What is that?

Lucy: His penis. But penis is a weird word. I think shnibbiddydoo is better.

Lucy and Katie are over by the handball courts behind the LAX field. A boy a few years older is showing off his mediocre skateboard skills.

Lucy: That kid is so weird.

Mom: Why?

Lucy: Because he’s over there thinking he is sooooo cool in front of us.

Mom: I think he’s just riding his skateboard.

Lucy: No, mom. Just riding your skateboard is just riding your skateboard and not looking at the two cute girls nearby. Acting cool and showing off is riding back and forth by the two cute girls and looking to make sure they are watching. He should have just kept riding. We are so out of his league. Doesn’t he realize the Justin Bieber look is just soooo wrong?

Riding in the car with Evan, Katie, and Lucy. True to form, Evan is making fart noises with his mouth, pretending it is from another source.

Lucy: Evan stop it, that is gross.

Katie: Seriously, gross.

Evan: (laughing hysterically) Sorry, I just don’t feel well. I can’t help it. (He does it again, very obviously with his mouth.)

Lucy: (kinda laughing) Evan, stop, Katie is in the car. You are so annoying, that is not even funny.

Evan lets out a big armpit fart.

Lucy: (laughing harder) Seriously evan, stop, that is not funny. (laughs even harder) Oh, who am I kidding, yes it is. (She starts making fart noises trying to outdo her brother.)

While eating lunch at Pei Wei, Lucy is opening fortune cookies.

Katie: What does your say?

Lucy: It says, “Help, I’m being held hostage in a fortune cookie factory, please save me!” Just kidding. It says, “Enjoying the outdoors will bring surprise benefits to you tomorrow.” What kind of fortune is that? BORING!

Lucy: Mommy, I really don’t feel good.

Mom: What’s wrong?

Lucy: I’ve been coughing up goldfish. And not the small cheap ones like they have at the fair. More like the big bubbly-eyed kind from the pet store.

Lucy: (rapid fire stream of questions, no pause between) I have hair growing in my armpits now. I didn’t used to have hair in my armpits. Why do I need hair in my armpits? Who invented that? I mean, it’s just gross.

Mom: It’s just something that happens as you get older.

Lucy: But you don’t have hair in your armpits.

Mom: That’s because I shave it off.

Lucy: No way, really? Do I have to shave? That’s annoying.

Mom: You don’t have to, up to you.

Lucy: Do boys shave their armpits?

Mom: None that I know of, I don’t think so.

Lucy: That’s just not fair, why do girls have to do all the work and boys just get to be hairy, gross and weird, especially Justin Bieber?